Right! My first 3 posts have been decidedly on the depressing side. Or at least dealing with subjects that leave little room for smirking or saucery. And seeing as the title for this blog is suggestive of things in general that we, in polite society don’t really chit chat about, I think I therefore need to ‘branch out’. And maybe I just need a break from poring over too many dark ghosts.
So as the title to this piece implies, I want to look at the subject of female masturbation. Well, more succinctly, my experience of being a woman who indulges. ‘A’ woman, not ‘every’ woman. Anyone who aims to speak from the very fragile vantage point of ‘every’ woman needs to ask themselves some serious questions! I am, (in that sense) not so arrogant. But I do know a lot of women who view themselves, albeit in a jokey manner as a bit ‘dirty’ or ‘sluttish or ‘deviant’ sexually because of what is viewed, societally, as them having a sexuality that is out of check with femininity and indeed, what it is to be a fully functioning and valid woman.
Women wank. They don’t indulge in ‘self-love’ (as I myself like to gently refer to it), or ‘touch’ themselves. They masturbate, with the same aim, really, I think, as men, largely. I admit, for me, I have looked at my life long (since I was 5 or so) dialogue (borderline obsession) with my cunt, with the only thing that has consistently kept me in touch with myself throughout all of my life’s woes (does ANYONE else feel like that?), as something that is ultimately a centring force. Something truly wholesome, almost bordering on reverent at points. Without masturbation, life would be so very, very hard and dull– for me.
There. I’m ‘balls deep’ into the conversation already. I shall continue along the same vein, so stop reading if you are already feeling embarrassed or discomfort.
So. I say ‘women wank’, not ‘I wank’, because, I know from chatting to many of my female friends that most of ‘em do, not all, obviously, but most. I have also met men that don’t. But as a rule, the vast majority of human beings either do, or desperately want to, only restraining for religious reasons.
So, most rational human beings should agree, intellectually that masturbating is normal. Healthy for the individual even, perhaps. But when it comes down to it, is ownership over one’s sexuality as a woman, seen (actualised) as normal. Seen as conducive to healthy loving (heteronormative) relationships? Does it have utility? Does sexual confidence in a woman weigh as much as sexual confidence in a man?
Ohhh…big questions. But if we look at masturbation as a really positive way for any person to connect with themselves as a sexual being, then sexual confidence must, at least, come partly from this. And then we look at the ways in which male and female masturbation are treated differently in the world around us. That old cliché that men HAVE to masturbate because of the physical build-up of tension but women maybe only choose to? To me this says summat about the weird normalised gender role society we live amidst.
I think that probably in certain circles, the discussion of female sexual liberation, being up front about rubbing one out, fantasising about the dog next door and/or watching porn, are just really fucking passé and maybe my even writing this is indicative of the very middle middle circles I mix in…but…I think these circles do very much reflect a social norm that is expressed in media representations of women and womanhood. Femininity and female sexuality.
Yes, this was from almost 125 years ago but the fact that in our great grandparent’s lifetimes, in what was seen as one of the most progressive and forward thinking of countries, that these could be reasons to section a woman. With at least 9 of them pertaining to masturbation. I think it makes sense that there is still a prevailing attitude of discomfort around women being sexually autonomous creatures.
You only have to look at the prevalence of FGM across the globe and it becomes clear that these attitudes towards women and their ‘dangerous and lewd’ sexuality, if left unchecked, is a threat and a problem to be dealt with.
I can hear the peals of disgust as folk holler to themselves, ‘I have nothing to do with the practice of FGM. It happens in another country, culture, with people who are so far and completely removed from me.’ Except we do live in a world where a lot of the ideals that underpin FGM (making women more desirable to men and ‘marry-able, keeping them ‘pure’ and not able to become sexually autonomous and therefore much less likely to stray, or question) are also suggested in many of the messages we get bombarded with day n night about women’s sexuality, here, in wonderful egalitarian England, in 2016. When certain footballer’s, accused of rape are acquitted because the victim’s sexual history is seen as being relevant. When the BBC refer to a man who has raped his 12 year old daughter as him ‘having sex’ with her. When at school, girls are slut shamed for wearing ‘sexually provocative clothes’, for having lost their virginity, sucked a boy off and fucked another, whereas her male counterparts are virtually given a medal. When so much porn seems to rely on the apparent erotiscm of women being dominated by men. When I, as a 40 year old woman am told in conversation whilst discussing numbers of sexual partners, that I should probs keep that one to myself, as ‘it’s not the sorta thing to make a bloke feel secure’. When I am asked (in all earnestness) by a lover (from last year) that he wanted me to ‘abstain from masturbation’ for three weeks, just to see if I could. I kinda think…mmm…how far have we come in the last 125 years? How far removed are we, in this polite society from practitioners of FGM? No loverboy, you may not have wanted me to remove my clitoris, because you want me to holler and scream to make you feel like you are indeed red hot and powerful. But ultimately you want to be in control of that button.
Not all men have been like that. I’ve enjoyed some wonderful, meaningful and free sex with many men but I do seem to meet an awful lot of guys who are terrified of my ability to…not only make myself cum quicker than they can. Easier than they can. But also articulate what I want and don’t want. But sex is not a race or a game.
So…I think this is a big part of why female masturbation still is fairly taboo in polite circles. Much much more so than male masturbation. Mother’s and father’s will often talk openly and with humour about little Jonny playing with his willy and oh how they laughed (but left him to it cos; boys will be boys/he’s gonna break some hearts that one etc etc) yet when it comes to their little Tilly ‘playing the banjo’, mummy and daddy all of a sudden don’t wanna chat about that too much and definitely wouldn’t just laugh it off, I’ve seen it happen. Like the opposite of leaving them to it cos; it’s unpleasant? Not natural? Disturbing? Shows signs of disturbance? And little girls should always remain little girls…even when they become women? Ohhh…you wanna lock her up when she gets to 16!
Apologies if I am labouring the point but I do feel that many of the restrictions put upon female sexuality come directly from that big bad P I will probably lurch back to in all of my posts. I agree, that patriarchy gives less freedom of expression to men also in regards sexuality but ultimately, men are positively encouraged to grow and explore sexually. The ways in which they do that are still prescribed to varying degrees but there is that framework there that for women is still largely a theoretical subject. As in, I see a fuck of a lot of women (despite themselves) playing along with that shit, socialised by it. And too many men that (despite themselves) cannot handle their lover being truly sexually autonomous.
Situation; for real (hope the guy involved never accidentally comes across this, sorry if you do but yea…you fucking KNOW it’s true!)
When I wake up, I often masturbate. Generally, out of coyness, I don’t do that if I’m in bed with someone, especially if they are a new partner. I kind of slipped up and awoke incredibly horny one morning and began…gently at first, just rubbing…enjoying the spread of warmth throughout my body and actually, semi fantasising about the guy lying next to me. I think initially, I was half asleep and was just doing what felt natural but when I became fully aware, I was wet and hot to the point of no return. So rubbing turned into penetrating, slowly, back and forth passing over my clit until I very quickly lost it, cos I was trying to be silent and still. Booom! Shudder boom. I came, and was not silent or still… I lay there for a moment, motionless. A bit embarrassed. But I still wanted more. I wanted him. So…started kissing him. He semi responded…I asked him if I could put his cock in my mouth. He agreed, funnily enough. And almost came in my mouth so I stopped, cos that was not my intention for this game. I straddled him and took him inside of me and went on a total cut loose, horny as fuck riding spree. He…lost his erection and looked pissed off. I removed my pussy immediately and felt awful. He later intoned that I hadn’t sought sufficient consent. Initially, I felt awful, thinking that it was to do with the me straddling him. Had i not gained full consent for that. But to be fair the sex we had been having was largely very much based on him being pretty ‘dom’. I think it was me making myself cum and then having the temerity to get so lost in the moment and just, enjoy myself, not needing him to be in control or ‘dom’, completely killed it for him. Much as his hard on suggested to him that yes, he wanted to fuck, the reality of me ‘taking the reigns’ was just too much for him. He ended up saying that the consent thing was a joke. I think he couldn’t quite admit how ridiculous his reaction to my autonomy was. It ended not much longer later for a reason that could have been predicted from that point.
The dentist who raped me last year that I spoke about in my first post. The way our interaction first became more than just old friends on Facebook, was when he responded to a poem I had written about patriarchal desires for women to be subordinate to men both sexually and economically. Just generally. He bigged the poem up and ultimately used it as a way to manipulate me and orchestrate a situation that I found very hard (in the circumstances) to get out of. His alpha male told him that he had to show this woman that she WAS indeed submissive. Mmmm…can’t fucking win, seemingly. Be submissive and be walked all over and used as a prop. Try not to be and get raped to put you back in your place.
It’s no wonder so many women comply with these ideals on female sexuality; shaven bodies, keep yourselves as slim n taut as possible please, but with tits. Keep that hair long. Make sure your skin is flawless. Shaven pubic hair is a must (all of the above is connonative of youthfulness, innocence and ultimately submissiveness) look fuckable in regards patriarchal standards basically. But act like you’ve rarely been fucked though. And when it comes down to it, don’t, under any circumstances attempt to show that you know what you want and don’t want. Listen. Be gentle. Be led. Be leading. Play a game. Pander to his ego…and you’ve won! Bingo! Cos getting and keeping a man IS what we are taught is vital to our success as a woman.
Indeed…Crazy making the harder you look.
I’m not gay. I have had a handful of sexual experiences with women and really enjoyed them. But I’ve never (not yet, cos never say never) clicked with a woman like that. That beyond touch type click you get when all systems are engaged. And I’m not even specifically talking about love here, I mean that deep lust you feel that transcends most conscious/common senses. That’s not fully happened. But. When I watch porn (which is rare cos the vast majority is hideous and abusive), it is often focused around the woman if I’m honest. I like watching women taking ownership and really getting into it and cumming and I imagine that I am them. I am never looking at the men or what they are doing, because to be honest, I find it and them a little repulsive. Ha! I kinda sound like perhaps I need to go back to the drawing board in regards my sexuality with that last comment but no, bear with me. I think this is because when I am fantasising, I am fantasising about feeling sexual arousal to the point at which I explode. Visual stimulus, for me is an extension of this. I don’t find sexually aggressive men attractive and I would say that 99% of the depictions of male sexuality in porn are very aggressive and alpha. So I either watch lesbian porn or focus on a woman in hetero porn. I’ll often imagine I am the woman and someone I have the hots for is fucking me…or her…but anyway, I digress.
My point is. Can’t remember, cos I am now slightly flustered by that last paragraph (will I keep that in I wonder, issabit saucy) but I think what I’m trying to say is that, despite the rapes, despite some very disappointing reactions from men to my brand of femininity and sexuality, I own my sexuality. I am my own best and most frequent, long standing lover. And I respect that when I see that in men too. Our overly socialised and gendered roles can clip our experiences, sexually and otherwise.
Few points to exit on; 1) How can one expect to have good, fulfilling sex with another human being if that foundation of understanding with your own body is not secured, maintained?
2) My liberation was not built as a Wendy house just for my lover’s entertainment and as liberation from their conscience. My liberation does not negate theirs. Thiers does not weigh heavier than mine.
3) Masturbation, for the nation. So make it mandatory. Don’t be shy 😊